Reckless Abandon.

Adjustment back home has been hard….very hard.  I thought I was living two different lives when I was at school at Rhodes, but living in Uganda really is a completely different life.  Every single thing is different especially the flow of life.  All of you that have commented, messaged me, or given me words of wisdom, you have no idea how much that means to me. It’s difficult, very difficult, and it’s also very easy to just say I’m alright, but really, I’m not.  I left my heart there.  I’ve still been trying to process everything through my brain and haven’t even shared everything about my trip with my family yet.  I don’t like to cry in front of people, so usually it just builds up until I can’t hold it anymore.  

Last night was a breakthrough.  I finally slept through the night.  I would just wake up and not be able to sleep, but I was just exhausted.  My mind would just begin to wander, and it always ends on Esther.  She is never far from my mind.  I miss her so much.  I just ache to be with her no matter where that would be.  My little cousin was asking me what I would do to have her with me, and I can honestly say that I would do anything.  Unfortunately, she is not able to be adopted at the moment, but I’m praying that God opens the door to have my family adopt her.  

I’ve seen pictures of her since I’ve left and there just is something missing in her eyes.  When I first met her, she would seek out to sit on someone’s lap and would occasionally show her big smile, but she was just empty.  She would sit with her serious face and just take everything in.  The first week I was there, God bonded our hearts.  There is no other explanation than just that.  She was no longer the shy, sweet Esther, but she actually has a big personality and even has a little naughty side.   I do not know how adoption people do it when they travel once and then have to return home without their child.  WOW.  I feel their pain especially when you’ve met them and bonded with them.   

Falling while running back to me.
I love that tongue.
I got to skype with her the other day thanks to one of my really good friends, Hannah that I met volunteering at Amani.  Esther had skyped my Grandma before with me, but was a little unsure as to what to think.  She was her serious little self except for a brief moment.  When I started singing her one of the songs I taught her, she looked and just stared at the computer.  I am seriously already counting down the days until I get to see her and all the other children and people again.  Oh, and did I forget to mention that I’m going back for a short trip in December/January.  I’ve already informed my family that is the ONLY thing I want for Christmas.  5 months is a long time to be away, and don’t worry next summer’s trip is also in the works.  These people are a part of my life now, imbedded in my soul.  

Trying to run back to me.
Days like this whole last week are the days that I just wish Jesus would hurry and come quick because then I could be with my family, friends, and my Ugandan family forever.  I realize that more people need Jesus though.  Many of my friends need Jesus and many of your friends do too.  

Every single part of my life revolves around him, and sometimes I’m curious as to what other people put their hope in.  I have not found anything else that is as long lasting and satisfying as Jesus.   Even my friendships circled around him just have another dimension to them.  Today as I was soaking in the word, God knew exactly what I needed to read.  He brought me to Zephaniah chapter 3, and again I was brought to tears as to how faithful he is in knowing just what my heart needed.

On Judgment Day I’ll bring you back home- a great family gathering!

….You’ll see if with your own eyes- 

all those painful partings turned into reunions!

God’s Promise.

Zephaniah 3:18-20 [Message]

Oh, how I cannot wait for the day when I will no longer have to say, “See you later.”  I well get to hold my baby Esther, Liti, Jotham, Richard, and so many more children all in my arms for forever.   Until that day, I’m going to hold on to God’s promises because he is FAITHFUL and always there to hold me in his arms.  I want to live my live in reckless abandonment for my KING, SAVIOR, and HEALER.   

Woke her up to go to church.

I hope you’re enjoying all of the pictures of my little beauty.  I wish I had gotten more video of her, but to say she blossomed while I was there would be an understatement.  Esther arrived at the orphanage 2 months prior to me arriving.  She was very tiny, sick, and malnourished.   The mamas all say that she already looks like a completely different child, and I can believe it after Enoca’s redemption.  

LOVE that giggle snort.

My baby.
All of the mamas informed me that Esther thought I was her mother, and I couldn’t agree more.  On some days Esther would even spot me before I could find her.  She would come stumbling in trying to waddle as fast as her little legs could take her.  Since Esther was very congested, every time she would come heavy breathing, snorting, and a throat giggle would ensue.  She learned to walk while I was there, and she loved to play a game where she would walk a ways away from me, and then turn around laugh and giggle back to my legs.  If I would say, “Hey you,” she would turn around and get up immediately and come walking over to me.  Some days if she was even on someone else’s lap, she would get off and come over to me.  She never left my side either.  A lot of the other kids eventually would leave and go to someone else, but not Esther.  She would always just stay right at my side.  If I was sitting on the bench you could also find her in between my legs.  I love when she would lay her head back and just gaze up at me with her sparkly eyes. 

Looking for me.

If I was lying on the ground you could either find her in my lap or walking in circles around me while holding on to me.  She would always look at me, and then put her head into my stomach or legs.  She also liked to lie on my legs and hike her little booty up into the air.  Whenever I would put Esther down even if for a second, she would start to cry and puff her little lips out.  She would even try to grip onto me.  I loved it of course because I knew she loved me, even though I really NEVER wanted to put her down.   Her vocabulary also grew while I was there.  She began to call me Auntie which she always called only me it, but it was pronounced more like Ah-knee.  Her favorite word was Doggie, (Amani has 2) but she always said “Dah-doo.”  Another one of her favorites was “Shut the door,” and hers was Dah dah dah, but with the same inflection as shut the door was sung.  She also likes to say “How are youuuuuu” while she holds her hand out waiting for you to shake it.  

MISS THIS IMMENSELY.

Isn't she beautiful?

My favorite was when I would always sing her the Barney song.  Whenever I was around she always would say, “I love you,” at the perfect pitches.  It was absolutely adorable and melted me heart.  I taught her how to raise her arms up for me to pick her up.  I always would sit her on the ledge outside and I taught her how to lean out for me to pick her up.  I always would then toss her into the air, and she would giggle and snort.  God taught me right there what reckless abandon means through my Esther.  She had complete trust that I would catch her.  She would just fall over even if my arms weren’t out.  She knew that I would be there to pick her up.  She knew that I would catch and be there for her.  I’m so thankful that I worship a God who is just like that.  I want to fall so deeply in love with Christ that I don’t need anyone else and can just be enamored with him completely.    

I took Esther on many outings and also took her to church a couple of Sundays.  She loves boda rides too and always looks around.  She’s nosy just like me.  We are inseparable.  Multiple people while in Uganda would inform me that Esther and I looked alike.  I mean, she is my baby.  As bad as this is, I enjoyed when people would come over when Esther would walk off a ways from me and try to make her come to them.  She would always, without a doubt, come back to me and give me some lovin’ and just look at them.  Whenever I would hand her to other people, her face was priceless too.  I especially liked it if they tried to take her from me, and she cried. (I know that’s awful.)  Whenever any of the other children invaded her space with me, she would always hit them.  The joy we had together.  She was my baby, and just knowing that she is a fighter just makes me fall more in love with her too.   

Where she should be.

Oh, I loved her little head nods; her two little bottom teeth, and her smile.   She had certain tickle spots and would just giggle and giggle.  She also didn’t like her hands dirty like me and would always come to me to have me clean them.  I also taught her how to give kisses.  Boy, would she give me the biggest kisses especially at night time.  I loved drying her off from her bath, singing songs to all the 9 BC babies while they sat on their potties, and putting Esther and the rest of the crew into pajamas and into their cribs with mosquito nets.  

Love that booty.

Every time Esther would get off the potty, she would run over to me screeching and doing her deep throat laughter and would lay herself on top of me even if I was in the middle of getting someone else ready for bed.  She would just come and lay in my lap.  Night time was definitely my favorite over there.   She was just so lovable.  She also loved to cuddle in the mornings.  She always would just give me all sorts of slobbery wet kisses.  When I would put her to sleep in the mornings, she ALWAYS would cling to me and cry when I tried to put her down for her nap.  When she would fall down, she would always look up at me to say something or to help her up.  If I was not holding her, she would always be wrapped around my legs.  

Martha and Esther. 

She also loved to help me do laundry.  When she would see me over there taking the clothes off, she would get off her mat and come over to me.  She would help me pull things off the line or if I handed her something she would put it into the basket.  When the laundry would get full, I would carry her over and put her down.  Her face would instantly go serious, and I'd go into the house and put the dry laundry in a pile.  Every time I would come back out, she would just be waiting for me in the same spot I left her just watching the door.  It was adorable.   

One of my other favorite things that she does is stick her little tongue out.  I miss that little thing too.    She also has the most beautiful eyes and eyelashes like Liticia.   I just feel awful that I up and walked out of her life.  It breaks my heart that she has no idea what happened to me.  I just disappeared.  I cannot wait to have her in my arms again.  I just hope that we will pick right back up where we left off.  These next 5 months are just going to be brutal. I need her, and she needs me.   

She has good swag in music headphones.

You can choose who you want to love, but when they end up loving you back that's out of your control.  

I'm enamored by this little girl. It's so obvious that she loves me back, and that I love her SO much.

Oh, I miss kisisng this sweet face goodnight.

This song came on KLOVE, and these lyrics were just perfect for me. 

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around meYour love catches me so I'm letting go

*Lift Me Up, The Afters

Playing peek-a-boo in the kitchen.

The last week I was at Amani, I was holding her while we were outside, and I was just singing to her.  All of a sudden I was singing, “You’ll be in my heart.”  I quickly realized the words I was singing and tears began to fall while I sang to my sweet baby girl. 

Talking to me.

Come stop your crying. It will be all right.
Just take my hand, hold it tight.

I will protect you from all around you.
I will be here don't you cry. 

For one so small, you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm.
This bond between us can't be broken.
I will be here don't you cry.

'Cause you'll be in my heart.
Yes, you'll be in my heart.
From this day on, now and forever more. 

You'll be in my heart no matter what they say.

You’ll be here in my heart always.

Rocking her romper.

Oh my baby girl, I miss you so much.  My arms, heart, and soul ache for you.  God has a better plan than I could ever imagine with my life and yours.  

Esther devoured chocolate cake.

In my shoes.

I’m just hoping that his plans involve Esther with my family.  If not or until then, I’m just going to be praying because that does mighty things.  I love watching people storm heaven’s gates with prayers. It’s amazing everything that prayer conquers.  As hard as it is away from her, I know that she has a heavenly father that is ALWAYS next to her and is always watching over her.   He continually reminds me to LET GO and LET HIM do the work and open the doors and prepare the path he has planned for me.  I’m excited to be on this road in complete abandonment to his plans and ready to say YES even though it will be challenging.  With God at my side, anything is possible.   

Laughing of course.  

This is how I feel to without you in my arms, just pitiful.
(I had to set her down for a picture for a group.
She wasn't happy and arching her back and kicking her legs occured as well)
My boy Moses was trying to calm her down.

My HAM.
I loved the way she looked at me.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

On my lap, smiling in the morning.
We both just love to smile.

Where she belongs.

Getting ready to eat at the table.

He will swallow up death forever. 

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; 

Isaiah 25:8 

LOVE THIS FACE AND DOUBLE CHIN.
(Especially when she laughs)

Oh her happy self at bed time when I would get inside her mosquito net.

Please just keep my Esther in your prayers. 

 I also would appreciate continued prayers for my emotional self.

Esther, you'll be in my heart always.