Today my heart is numb. My mind keeps flashing back to my day at M4, and my heart doesn’t know what to do. It is on emotion overload and is just in a deep state of sorrow. Oh but yes, it is a very good thing. I lived a very naive life. I knew things like this existed, but it was very easy to get my mind off of it because I never had experienced their life. I had never felt their pain or even wanted to feel their pain. Today, I have, and at the bottom of my heart just sits an ache. The ache doesn't go away. It pounds and pounds. Sometimes I can push it aside, but then a face comes to mind, and it comes back even stronger. I want to know what they're doing and how they're feeling. I want to hold them in my arms and whisper to them that everything will be okay and that their sadness will go away, but the truth is that I can't. I can't hold them in my arms where I want them to be and where they want to be. I can't tell them that their sadness will go away or that a family will come for them. I can’t tell them that they will have food to eat everyday and that somebody will be there to wipe their tears away when they fall. I want to always be there to protect them. I wish I could tell them that they have a sponsor who loves them so much and was willing to sacrifice and trust God on their behalf. All of this and more just breaks my heart. This disparity is reality for so many innocent children. Innocent babies.
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| I'm more and more amazed at God's design each day. |
The conditions were absolutely horrendous. We hadn’t even been there 5 minutes and a girl around the age of 10 had a seizure right there in front of us. Some other girls around her same age pulled her by her legs inside the building. The children were all in desperate need of love and attention. Every single child was sick and had a cough and runny nose. Many were also running high fevers and were burning up in our arms. The government only allowed us to be there a little over 2 hours. There was not enough time to give enough love, and was so hard to pull ourselves together and get onto the bus, when we knew that we were all the children had. We didn’t even get a chance to walk around the property because we all were in a state of shock and busy loving on the children. While one of my team members was holding a precious baby, the baby began to convulse. The girl just tried to stay calm, but how can your heart not break for this poor child who is not receiving any treatment and is just dying a slow and painful death.
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| It had a beautiful rainbow coming off of it. |
My boy was Moses. As soon as I walked off the bus, all the children were on the porch type thing. I remember he had walked around on the front of the railing just dangling there. He had an adorable cheesy smile and was just waving. I came and scooped him right up and he was my baby for the short time we had together. He understood quite a bit of English and was almost 4 years old. We walked over to see the other kids, and he was so excited for me to hold him. A special needs girl around 10 was laying in the yard naked struggling to put clothes on herself. I quickly made my way over to help her and put Moses on the ground next to me. Some of the other older girls at the orphanage came over to help as well. The girl was beautiful and my heart just went out to her and everything that she has had to go through. She looked at me with her big drooly, smile and it was hard to keep myself together at that moment and not bawl. I picked up Moses and got one of the bows to give him and told him that I would be right back while I ran to the bus to get things I had brought. Once I came back around the corner, even though everyone else had gone into a room, he was waiting for me and came running back to me.
After giving the children biscuits (cookies) and handing out the bows and toys, it was time for us to leave. The stay was definitely way too short. I honestly still do not know how I managed to leave that place. I told Moses that it was time for me to go as he was gripping my neck and rubbing his sweet little hands on my back. I was giving him lots of kisses as the tears began to stream down my face. I looked at the team members already on the bus and all of them were crying as well. Moses then whispered in his little voice, “I want to go with you on the bus.” At that point, my heart had shattered. We were his only hope. We were his lifeline. He knew we were different, and he was willing to risk going into the unknown. How do you tell a child that is wasting away in a prison/rehabilitation center that he can’t go with you? Oh Moses, I wish I could take you out of that place and always have you in my loving arms. My tears were flowing all down my face and onto his head which was lying on my shoulder. When I bent down to set him on the ground, our eyes made contact, and he was crying too. God wrecked me right there. The pain and suffering was so real and present. The least of the least were staring in my face, and there was nothing I could do at the moment to take them away from there, instead I had to be the one to leave. He followed me to my window on the bus and sat down in the dirt and looked down with his big brown eyes. He occasionally would look back up, but the despair was overwhelming. As the van pulled away, I was doing the ugly cry. Allison was right next to me doing the same. Oh my Moses, you are my little man and your face will ever be imprinted on my heart along with all the rest of the children at M4. God is the answer and the only way because we are all not strong enough by ourselves. Jesus, please come back soon.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“I try to be so tough, but I’m just not strong enough. I can’t do this alone. God, I need you to hold onto me. I try to be good enough, but I’m nothing without your love. Savior please, keep saving me.”
Savior Please
Josh Wilson
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